I have started this new thing where I cry when I leave the babies at night time. It isn't just a little cry either, it is a deep uncontrollable cry that I need to deep breathe during to come out on the other side of it. Again, my nurses assure me that it is normal with all of the hormones that are running through me right now as well as the events of the past week have been a lot to deal with. (I don't cry when we leave if the babies are sleeping but, if they are staring at me as I say my goodbyes, I lose it)
Thursday night, my first night home after being discharged from the hospital, I cried the hardest I think I have EVER cried. I couldn't catch my breath I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I made Randy call the NICU to check on our babies. This was only about 1.5hrs after we got home from being with them.
When we left our house at just before midnight on March 13th, I had no idea whatsoever, that I would look at our nursery on the way out the door and have my babies that night. The nursery has been ready for awhile now and since we didn't know the genders of our little miracles, I couldn't completely daydream about the little people that would make this room home. Thursday night when I got home and looked at the nursery, I was instantly overwhelmed with emotion as now it was assigned to two little boys. And not just any two boys. MY two boys. Gavin and Griffin. The room has owners now and I cannot wait to bring them home and fill our house with the precious sounds of children. Finally.
That night as I started crying, so many emotions came over me. I actually am a mom now. Our dreams for healthy children have been answered and we are finally getting to make the new chapters in our book of life. Our infertility chapters will always be part of our lives but, I think I finally cleansed myself of all the hurt and disappointment that we have experienced in the past few years. I cried because I am so completely 100% in love with these two precious little people I am so fortunate to call mine. I cried because I am hopeful that with a whole lot of faith and luck, Randy and I will get to experience full lives with our children. We have truly been blessed and I am not taking one thing for granted. This is with out a doubt, one of the most awesome experiences of my life.
If you are a parent, I know you get what I am talking about. If you are a parent because a fertility treatment finally worked, you get what I am talking about. If you don't have kids yet, but want them, I hope you get to be as fulfilled from an experience of your own as I feel I am right now.
As I have said before and I will say again, my cup runneth over. I am more in love with my husband and I didn't think that was possible. To see him with our children makes my heart smile. I know things won't always be roses. But, after so many challenges early on in our marriage around all the fertility stuff and my ankle issues (for those of you reading that don't know about this part of my life, I have had 3 ankle surgeries since I met Randy all the while we were fighting the infertility battle) I am ready for something completely new and different and I think we have that! :)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Eryn, it is so fun to share your thoughts. And the pictures are wonderful! Love you all and can't wait to meet the boys at the end of May!
ReplyDeleteI think what you're feeling is totally normal. Carrying Matthew home and leaving Nathan behind in the NICU was the very worst time for me - I sobbed all the way out to the car and halfway home because it was not the way you're "supposed" to take home your babies. You're doing a good job keeping your wits about you. I'm SO THRILLED that they're getting orders for bottles - HIP HIP HOORAY! That means you're on your way!
ReplyDelete